Tuesday, December 30, 2003
The Lows [
I can go over a week without calling home before the
guilt cripples me. I call home and start to chat with mom for a bit,
then we usually have the "home for a visit soon" tug-of-war for the
first 10 minutes or so --- me, always arguing that the plane flies both
ways, and her, just wishing I'd come home and see her. There's nothing
to say back to that, you know? As ready as I am to be logical and
reasonable and independant and hold my ground... it's Mom. What
am I gonna say? So, we talk about other things and then I finally cut
things short b/c I realize that it's a 25-minute call and I'm probably
already over my monthly minutes and she'll just stay on with me all
night if I let her (a fact I love, in addition to being annoyed by).
She begins her "wishing we could talk more often" thing and I suddenly
get really upset that she doesn't understand that I REALLY need to go,
so I'm quick with my, "Ok, mom, I love you. Bye." And there's a quick
pause --- a really quick one --- on her end, and it's almost like I can
feel her smile go away, and she says, "Alright, son. I love you, baby
boy. Bye bye."
And suddenly I feel like the worst, ugliest, most hateful boy in the world.
I'll see a commercial on TV that I know my mom probably really
likes, or I hear the name of a woman who has the same name as say, my
mom's best friend. Then I envision them (this woman and my mom)
standing in the aisle @ Wal-Mart, where they've just run into each
other, and they're catching up on things... and my mom's talking about
me. Saying really sweet things. Talking happy about her 24yr old son in
New York City following his dream of being an actor, smiling while she
talks, and not once thinking about the way he rushes her off the phone
or hardly calls or fights with her about coming home to visit or gets
annoyed when she asks if he's had any good auditions lately. I picture
my mom, in her little way, having wonderful things to say and not
holding my shitty behavior against me the way I probably would to her
or my dad or my sister. And she goes on about her day, doing the things
that she does, and she just misses me a lot. And when I call? she ends
up spending most of the time listening to ME bitch about things before
cutting her off b/c I need to get on the train and NOT think about her.
It seems like the older I get, the harder it is to connect with my
family the way I did before. Parts of me doesn't want to at all. Parts
of me is here, in my world, in my head, trying to figure my life out
and steer things into the right direction and learn the things that I
need to learn... and then a part of me sits up late at night, realizing
the way I can be sometimes, kicking myself for what an ass I am.
My family matters so much to me, more than I think I let them
realize. It feels like I'm pushing against then really hard. I just
wish I could make everything go away and stop struggling with this all
the time.
