My lovely Iraqi war bride

By Neal Pollack       www.nealpollack.com       April 17, 2003


Yesterday morning, as I was sitting at my desk putting the final strokes on a masterful article for Slate titled: ‘Who Cares About Looting?’,  I received a wonderful surprise.    My lovely Iraqi war bride, Fatwa, pulled herself over the balcony and drifted across the room in her muslin nightdress.    She sat on my lap.

“I drugged my mother and escaped, my darling,” she said.    “So I could be with you.”

“Rock!”   I said.

“There is much for us to talk about.”

“Sure,”  I said, as my erection ballooned.

“In particular, I wish to talk about a comment that Education Secretary Rod Paige made last week.”

My erection deflated.

She continued:

“If you recall, he said that public schools need to teach the values of the ‘Christian community.’”

“I vaguely recall that story,” I said, “But I kind of ignored it.    Say. I didn’t know you could read!”

Fatwa sighed.

“In Iraq, I was a doctorate student in medieval Arabic poetry.    Alas. All my research materials were set aflame earlier this week.”

“I had no idea!”

“That’s because the only words you ever said to me before today were:  ‘hey baby, come over here an sit on the love monkey.’”

“And you did!”

“Yes.    I am sexually gratified by you, as all women are.    But I also love your mind.”

“Aw, baby,”  I said.    “I love your mind, too!”

“So we must discuss this issue.”

“Only if we agree first that the Syrian government is harboring key Iraqi leaders, has weapons of mass destruction, and was integral in planning 9-11.”

“No,” she said.    “Now be quiet and listen to me.    This Mr. Paige says that American schools should teach Christian values, right?”

“Certainly,” I said.

“What is the primary value espoused by Jesus?”

“Blind vengeance against unknown enemies?”

“Humility,” she said.    “And it strikes me that America’s leadership, which strikes a very Christian posture under George W. Bush, hasn’t behaved in a very humble manner over the last year.    In fact, the President’s myopic advancement of his questionable doctrine of pre-emptive military strikes seems the diametrical opposite of humility.”

“Um,” I said.

My annoying war bride got up from my lap.    She began pacing the room like an out-of-work graduate student seeking an audience.

“What’s another important Christian value?” she asked.

“Jingoism?”

“Charity,” she said.

“Right,” I said, “and we gave the Iraqis their freedom, which was the most charitable act of all time.”

“But with true charity, you ask for nothing in return.    Can you honestly say the U.S. invaded Iraq with purely altruistic motives?”

“Sure, I can,” I said.    “I say it every day on my widely-read weblog.”

She stopped.    It looked like I’d won a point.    She wound up for the rubber game.

“Another Christian value is compassion,” she said. “And it strikes me that there’s nothing compassionate about sucking dry the national treasury to pay for ill-advised foreign adventuring, all the while clear-cutting health care for the elderly, school lunch programs for poor kids, and veterans’ benefits. “It seems to me that any Christian education worth its collection plate would teach kids to think about how nearly everything put forth by the Bush Administration runs counter to the true teachings of Christianity. “I’m frightened that the government is funding construction of religious schools to teach a skewed version of what it considers Christian values.    They could literally brainwash a generation of unsuspecting students, many of whom aren’t even Christian. “Don’t you find it disturbing that the leading secular education official in the country is talking like a fundamentalist mullah?” “You’re getting hysterical, dear,” I said.    “Now why not come over here and sit on the love monkey like a good little girl?” But later, as I lay awake on my four-poster bed, staring into the skylight, I began to think about what Fatwa had said. What if George W. Bush is deeply misinformed about the true meaning of Christianity? What if he has been, willingly or unwillingly, using a perverse form of religious bullying to pass some very scary laws? Could this country’s government really be veering toward becoming a fundamentalist Christian quasi-dictatorship? Nah, I thought, and I slept like an angel.