1, Issue 1
Today: Apr 26, 2003
by Shane Kosakowski
Remember when the US was cool? It wasn’t that long ago, think back.
We were the fun, rich, good-looking, popular country. We drove the coolest car and had the tasty girlfriend with the big tits and the pool.
We hung out with all the other cool countries, but still said hi to Mexico in the hallways (even though he smelled like a spicy sweatsuit).
We were the best athlete and played guitar in a shitty band.
We would get drunk and prank Russia and do coke on the away bus.
We would kick somebody’s ass if they fucked with our friends and we would lend money if our friends were fucked.
We were a superhero in the history of the world.
Sure, we were only human.
We hooked up with Panama’s girlfriend while he was away at soccer camp.
We got caught smoking a blunt in our basement and blamed it on Nicaragua.
We felt up El Salvador’s sister when she got drunk and fell asleep.
We pretended to be friends with Greece, and then made fun of her behind her back (after all, that bitch did look like Snufalupagos).
We did a lot of things that young, stupid countries do when they’re growing up; mistakes the rest of the world could overlook.
Then, I don’t know…we changed.
A little too cool
We started picking on the band kids more than we used to.
And instead of just calling them “dorks,” we began to slap them around a little.
When they didn’t let us copy off their tests, we’d wait for them outside of class and drop their pants in front of Sweden and Brazil.
Sure, we’d still help Columbia if somebody was talking shit to him, and we’d give Canada a ride home whenever she needed it, but you could really tell that we thought we were a little too cool.
You could see we were getting a little too cocky to hang out with.
Nobody likes us anymore
Before you knew it, America was, officially, the big dickhead. We went from being the fun-loving character, who would get drunk and pretend we were fucking a lamp, to the guy talking on his cell phone at the gym.
Now we wear purple-tinted sunglasses inside the mall and wife-beaters to the bar (to show off our barbed-wire tattoo).
Nobody likes us anymore; when the world sees our name on caller I.D., they just let it go to voicemail.
Look at who we hang out with now—England. Fucking England! How long has it been since England was cool? The only chicks that call England have chipped teeth and pockmarks.
Iraq got a keg
So where do we find ourselves?
It’s Friday night and we’ve decided to crash the party that we didn’t get invited to.
Iraq got a keg, a band, and is charging everybody 10 bucks at the door.
We’ve decided to walk into the backyard, beat the shit out of Iraq and only let our friends fill their cups.
What will the rest of the world do?
Individually speak out against us?
Yeah right…we’ll fuck shit up.
All get together and beat the shit out of us?
Nope—most of them don’t like each other anyway.
So what would you do to a bully that is taking what isn’t theirs, a bully who is too big to defeat alone, a bully who must understand the repercussions of being a douchebag?
You key his car.